


You'll be the First Who Ever Did

by jensjudyx



Category: Dead To Me (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-02
Updated: 2021-01-02
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:41:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28494048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jensjudyx/pseuds/jensjudyx
Summary: Judy Hale had never felt the feeling of unconditional love; she never experienced that feeling of love without restriction, love that’s almost too strong. Not with Steve, not with any of the people she had ever been with, not even with her mother. Judy had always felt like it was her fault that she never had that feeling, that if her own mother couldn’t love her no one could. That guilt, that feeling of being unlovable, consumed her piece by piece until she couldn’t hold back anymore. Judy just wanted to know why everyone treated her as though she was just a mistake. Something regrettable.-this is a fic based on cinnamon girl by lana del rey. please be nice, this is my first fic :)
Relationships: Judy Hale/Jen Harding
Comments: 4
Kudos: 22





	You'll be the First Who Ever Did

Judy Hale had never felt the feeling of unconditional love; she never experienced that feeling of love without restriction, love that’s almost _too_ strong. Not with Steve, not with any of the people she had ever been with, not even with her mother. Judy had always felt like it was her fault that she never had that feeling, that if her own mother couldn’t love her no one could. That guilt, that feeling of being unlovable, consumed her piece by piece until she couldn’t hold back anymore. Judy just wanted to know why everyone treated her as though she was just a mistake. Something regrettable.

-

She tried everything to redeem herself through the eyes of all of the people she cared about. First it was with Steve, apologizing for something she couldn’t control, but still felt responsible for and all he did was tell her that he had moved on already, found a woman who was able to give him the thing that they both so desperately wanted together before things turned to absolute shit. He rose from his chair, grabbed Judy and pulled her into a hug and gave her one last kiss and sent her on her way. Judy left his office that day heartbroken. Though Steve was physical when he got angry, he still put up with Judy and all of her “woo-woo bullshit,” loved her in his own little way and that was all that Judy cared about. _Cinnamon in my teeth from your kiss._

  
After the initial sadness and helpless feeling had washed away, Judy decided that she was going to try and reconcile with her mother, in the hopes that the older woman had changed her view upon the daughter she neglected. She wished that her mother would see how hard she was trying, how alone she felt. So Judy drove to the prison alone that day, much to Jen’s dismay, and began praying to whatever was out there that this would go smoothly, that she would walk back out of this God-awful place with her heart full of love that was there because of her mother.

Not even an hour later, she was walking out of the prison doors, eyes filled with tears and a ripped up picture of her, Jen, Charlie, and Henry in her right hand. All Judy wanted was for her mother to _try_ and love her, to start by just hanging up a picture of her and her family, but that was too much. Eleanor took the picture from Judy, tore it in half, and placed it in the trashcan before her daughter could protest. Then, as if to make this harder for the younger woman, patted Judy’s shoulder and walked to the guards who proceeded to take her back to her cell. She went to the trash can, grabbed the picture, and left. _You’re touching me. All the pills that you take: violet, blue, green, red to keep me at arm’s length don’t work._

  
Judy realized after both her mother and Steve gave up on her that she would always run back to the people who she loved, whether they loved her back or not. That no matter how far they try to push her away, she will always be there for them and ready to accept their love.

-

After the car accident, Judy’s view on love changed completely. She knew she was never going to feel the type of unconditional love she had felt as she looked at Jen in a hospital bed, afraid to leave the room in case Jen woke up (or didn’t).

_Judy looks at Jen, at her closed eyes, at her small nose, at her beautiful blonde hair and feels like she is looking at an angel. Judy has known that Jen was her soulmate, but now that feeling is morphing into something more; Judy’s beginning to recognize that soulmate she is, but not in a platonic way at all. So, as she sits in this uncomfortable, lumpy chair next to the woman of her affections, who hasn’t woken up since the car accident, she knows that they’re destined for each other. Judy feels consumed with love and she knows that she could never do better than Jen, her perfect Jen, who loves her all she can (just not enough). Judy craves Jen’s love, but knows that she is never going to be on the receiving end of it, at least romantically speaking, and she feels her heart strain at the thought._

_“Judy? What’s going on? Why are you crying?” she hears someone ask, deep in her thoughts about her best friend. The voice was familiar, although a bit more scratchy than usual, and Judy lifts her head up to see Jen’s seafoam green eyes looking right at her._

_“Jen, oh my, God! Jen, you’re awake,” Judy cries as she takes Jen’s left hand into her own and uses her other to cup Jen’s cheek. Tears are pouring out of Judy’s caramel orbs now, her eyes reddening and her nose running. “Oh my God, Jen, I’m so sorry.”_

_“Honey, it’s okay. I’m okay, there’s nothing to apologize for. You’re not the asshole who hit us,” Jen laughs out, trying to not wince from the pain she feels in her back._

_Judy can’t seem to tear her eyes away from Jen’s and she finally realizes that maybe she should take this risk. Maybe she should tell Jen that she loves her with everything she has, show her. Maybe Jen could be the one person who_ does _love her back. Spurred on by her thoughts, she leans forward and lightly presses her lips to Jen’s. It only lasts a couple of seconds, feeling like a lot more time to Judy, and is interrupted by the feeling of Jen pushing her back by her shoulders._

_“Judy, what are you doing?” Jen almost yells at the brunette. Judy notices that Jen doesn’t seem to be able to look at her anymore: she’s turned her head to look out of the window on the wall to the right and has taken her hand out of Judy’s._

_Judy feels as though she’s destroyed her friendship with Jen and fears that her best friend will never want to talk to her if she knows how much she has wanted to do that, how long she has wanted to do that. So instead of looking rejected and hurt, she puts on a huge smile and tries to joke with a laugh, “Hey, it was for almost dying. If this situation happens again, that happens again!”_

_And, with that, everything was back to normal, Judy joking around and telling Jen all about the boys and how much they miss her. Judy tries not to think about the fact that Jen felt disgusted by the kiss and just tries to focus on Jen being alive and with her. That’s enough for now._ You try to push me out. But I just find my way back in.

-

It had been a couple of weeks since the accident and Jen was finally returning back to normal. Though she was still in pain, she was able to walk without help and she wasn’t complaining as much. Judy had to admit that it was adorable how Jen would get so worked up and frustrated and how her cheeks turned red when she asked the other woman for help. Judy would always help the blonde and would try to suppress a laugh as the blonde would mutter something along the lines of “Are you fucking kidding me? I feel like I’m an invalid.” After she got the help she needed, she would tell Judy to go away, “Go paint or something,” she said with a soft smile. _Violet, blue, green, red to keep me out. I win._

The feeling of butterflies and warmth never left Judy’s chest between the time Jen was discharged from the hospital and them sitting in the kitchen together drinking wine on a Friday night. In fact, it only seemed to grow more and more, day by day. They hadn’t brought up the kiss at all which was scary, but also relieving at the same time. Judy wanted to talk about it, but was scared because she felt as though if Jen rejected her it would be the worst thing ever (Judy really thinks it could be). _There’s things I wanna say to you._

“The craziest thing happened at work today,” Jen said through a laugh and took a long sip of wine before continuing, “Christopher said he set up a blind date for me with a man he knows from another agency. I think his name is either Michael or Mitchell, I can’t even remember.”

Judy felt her heart drop. She tried to set her glass down before Jen could notice how much she was shaking, “Oh, are you going to go?” Judy wanted so badly to hear the blonde say that she was going to tell Christopher to cancel it, that she had all she needed here, in this house.

What Judy hadn’t wanted, nor expected, was Jen to reply with, “I actually said yes,” and she said it as if she didn’t even believe herself. “I don’t even know why. I thought I was done with all of that, but the car accident made me realize how old I fucking am.”

Judy took Jen’s hand and looked into Jen’s eyes, “You’re not old, Jen, come on. You’re heaven on a stick and you know that.”

“Yeah, right,” Jen said as she laughed with disbelief and refilled her glass.

Judy decided to just stop trying to have the conversation about the kiss because it was too late; Jen was going to go on the date and find someone perfect for her. _But I’ll just let you live._

_-_

The next day, Judy lay in her and Jen’s bed (Yes, they had started sharing after the accident. No, she doesn’t want to talk about how happy it makes her). She laid there thinking about how gorgeous Jen looked before she left for the _stupid_ date with that _stupid_ man. But, in reality, Judy couldn’t bring herself to be upset at Jen or the man (who’s name _was_ Michael) for two reasons. One being that Jen might have the time of her life and find the love of her life; that was not something the younger woman could be mad at her for. Two being the man was actually not stupid. He seemed sweet, bringing Jen flowers and shutting the door for her. Judy honestly thought it was awful thinking badly about a man when she had never met him before, but she felt as though he was taking something that could have been _her’s._

But, as the brunette thought more about it, the more upset she felt with herself. For feeling this way about Jen when it was so obvious that Jen didn’t love her the same way. Her face crumpled and she tried hard to hold in the tears. She felt _so_ stupid to cry over this again, but the tears began to fall and they wouldn’t stop. After a while of trying to stop her sobbing (which was uncontrollable and stopped when shehad tired herself out), Judy felt herself slipping into a light sleep and put her arms around her waist in a protective manner, as if to hold herself. She thought about what it would be like for Jen to hold her; she thought that she would feel comfortable and safe and protected. _Like if you hold me without hurting me, you’ll be the first who ever did._


End file.
